Christmas Crookies

Welcome to 2013, ya filthy animals!  I hope your ugly, no good keester’s had an amazing holiday season.  Maybe even better than Kevin McCalliaster?    

Mine was lovely, except for the fact I didn’t get to watch Elf.  Not even once!  It did snow here though, and I got to partake in some of the old fashioned riding-a-sleigh-down-a-hill-and-smashing-your-balls-into-an-ice-boulder, so that was kinda fun, except for the last part.   

Now onto a favorite subject of Cathy (from newspaper funny pages fame) and small children everywhere, dessert. I have been known to bake a bit, but in all my days as a half-assed Betty Crocker, I’ve never tried my hand at a delicious, basic chocolate cake, entirely from scratch (even the frosting). And now I know why.  For starters, when making a 3 layer cake, it helps to have 3 pans that are the same size, not “close enough.”  In addition, my cake stand was actually a piece of cardboard wrapped in foil.  Ingenious? Yes. Practical for frosting purposes?  Kind of, I guess, if you know what you’re doing.  Like most Chinese food, it was delicious once you got past the way it looks.

Good luck funding the marching bands trip to Washington with this at the bake sale.

I also got sick.  I’m still sick.  It’s been like 3 fucking weeks.  Seriously, does it ever end?!  The neighbors have told me they hear me coughing all night.  I have put Milton PuffsPlus’ kid through at least one semester of community college.  I had a swollen gland that made me look like a cartoon character with a golf ball stuck in my throat.  I’ve passed it on to most of my family.  I’ve cancelled trips.  I’m currently trying to wean myself off of Dayquil AND Nyquil. (It’s mainly the generic stuff, so it’s not as hardcore.) I also tried out a recipe for some “sickles.”  They’re basically regular dill pickles, but with extra germs.

I kid. That garlic and vinegar should destroy anything. I hope. For your sake.

And I bet you’re all glad to be done with holiday gift shopping.  It wasn’t too difficult for me this year, since my unemployment check doesn’t really cover large purchases.  Pretty much everyone got some kind of pickled produce in a jar.  And I’m happy to say it was all well received, and it didn’t make anyone violently ill.  Or at least they were nice enough not to tell me about it/ blame me for it/ figure out it was me and not bad sushi.

However, while shopping with my teenage daughter at a local thrift store, we we lucky enough to come by this monstrosity/BALLZ OUT GREATEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN AND I KNOW JUST THE PERSON TO GET IT FOR, if only it hadn’t cost $225!

Yes, this is an airbrushed denim vest with sequins that says “Bitch Killerz” and features a very well-endowed African American gentleman with some of his nude lady friends standing in some kind of desert landscape and 9 Black Hawk helicopters.

On Christmas eve, I also learned a great new carol. From a straw mouse.  Wearing a hat.

Later on that week, on my very first sober New Years Eve in almost 20 years, I saw a bicycle camel get stuck in traffic and I danced with a troll.

How were your holidays?  Did Santa Claus/Hanukkah Harry/ Kwanzaa Carl Winslow bring you everything you had hoped for?  How crappy did your holiday baking turn out?  Are you still sick? Did you catch it from me?  What did you do for New Years Eve? Do you regret it? Did you make any resolutions for New Years? Have you broken them already?  Are you excited that your kids finally went back to school after having them home for 2 weeks?  What new ways did they find to hurt themselves while they were home? What is your favorite ornament?  Did you find anything in a store that could possibly be better than a Bitch Killerz vest? How much weight did you gain from eating 7 lbs of ham and a mixing bowl full of mashed potatoes every day?  How many different kinds of dessert did you try in one sitting?   Are you ashamed to be reminded of it after reading this?