No, not this one…
It says “Very Inspiring Blogger Award.” It’s not so much an actual “award” as it is some chain mail shenanigans slash blog award. Bloggers award it to several other bloggers, and within 2 months, they have received over $50 in valuable coupons And I’m pretty psyched to have received it! I bet you’re wondering how I won this major award. I don’t mind telling you that I was nominated by a collection of one hilarious peer. I have deemed him a peer for several reasons: he is older than me by a bunch; he is humorous for a living; and the title of his blog, Drinking Tips For Teens is way funnier than anything I have come up with, and also the possible name for a best selling educational text I think I could author. Thank you, Ross Murray, you Canadian minx you, for giving me the intellectual hand job I needed. I hope this helps to inspire me to keep shooting blog batter all over the internets for at least a few months.
Now, with this major award comes major responsibility, in the form of 3 rules:
1. Keep it out of the light. It hates bright light, especially sunlight. It’ll kill him. (Display the award logo on your blog.)
2. Don’t give it any water, not even to drink. (Link back to the person/s who nominated you.)
3. The most important rule, the rule you can never forget. No matter how much it cries, no matter how much it begs, never feed it after midnight. (State 7 things about yourself.)
So here are seven things about Providence’s best kept secret, me!
1) I recently realized that I have let my unemployment begin to define me, and that’s not right! Because it’s not who I am. I’m fucking awesome! I’m hilarious! I’m super cute! Your mom totally loves me! I’m a great cook, a kinda OK baker, and I can pickle the shit outta anything! You definitely want me at any party/wedding/work dinner/ Bat Mitzvah/ etc. where there is an open bar. I have sweet hair. I know about things, like art and pop culture. So it’s been rough to not get many/any job-related responses. I have bills. And a quickly approaching wedding. It’s resulted in me being a bit sad lately. And I’m not a sad person. At all. I love life. I love adventures! I love you guys! So my number one fact, which is also a kind of New Year’s resolution, is to stop being so shitty about not working.
2) Trying to understand what I say will make your brain go into overload, thus making you smarter.
3) I very rarely try the same recipe twice. It’s called cooking with ADD. Some people work a lifetime to perfect a recipe. I just wanna try new shit. Thank you, infinite resources of the web.
4) I have a teenage daughter. She is awesome in that awkwardly confident middle school way. We enjoy many of the same nerd-related things, like dressing up as Japanese cartoon characters and non-stop texting about Daleks.
5) I haven’t stopped picking my nose in over a decade. I used to blame the dry desert air. But now I live a block from the water in New England. I think I just need a new excuse.
6) Coconut is definitely one of my favorite flavors.
7) I’m allergic to eggplant. This has not made too much of a difference in my life.
Whatever you call it, it makes my mouth feel burny.
Next: nominate other bloggers and link to them.
Insane Italian– Imagine a bald, sweaty meatball wearing a soccer jersey and flip-flops. Now, imagine that meatball being absolutely hilarious like your college roommate. That is this blog.
Living Simply Gluten Free – I’m not gluten free. I eat everything/anything. Including 80% of the recipes on this site. It doesn’t matter if you’re down with the celiacs or not, this site will make you hungry.
This bitch be crazy! And she makes me laugh.
I’ll add more as I think of them. Do you think you should be included? Let me know. I’ll totally add you. Have you ever won a major award? What was it for? Was it actually won, or was it just for participating? Did you read the blogs I suggested above? Did you enjoy them? Do you agree that this is one of my least funny posts? Did you know that I’m going to Atlantic City this weekend for a bachelor party? How far do you think I can get with my unemployment check? Right now I’m thinking 6 hot dogs on the boardwalk, five 40 oz malt liquor beverages, and 25 minutes at the penny slots.