Where the shit have I been?! or How I’m currently unemployed so lets do this!

Greetings friends! I’ve been away for so long, but here’s a brand new post for you. So turn off that weird internet porn and check me out!

I’ve done a lot these past few years, and I can’t wait to tell you about it along with all of the super neat new ways I’ve learned to keep myself occupied.

Here’s a picture of me meeting some famous people! I was so nervous!

But first and foremost I need to let you know something.  I don’t want to freak you out or anything, but this blog is going to take a hard turn away from cheese. Don’t get me wrong, I still love the stuff, but I’ve had to curb my habit. I’ll still feature it every now and then, but I’m mostly going to post about other things I’ve cooked or baked or pickled or eaten or dranked (drank, drunk, drunked, drinken, etc.). And some posts won’t have anything at all to do with food, as I have been known to think about at least 3 other things. So, my apologies, cheeseheads, but I hope you’ll stick around and see what else I have to say.

Why won’t she write me back?

For my first post back, and in lieu of my nonworkingness, I’d like to offer my services to you and your single friends.  This may come as a shock to you, but I write amazing online dating profiles!  I am basing this on the fact that I’ve done it awesomely- twice.  After my own OKCupid pussy-magnet experience (by pussy-magnet, I mean real live girls actually talked to me via an online dating site!) almost 2 years ago, I was able to recently volunteer my services to someone else.   A friend of my lady was sick of dudes saying “Yo beautiful, what’s up.” This is not how you start a conversation, especially when the proper response is “Nothing much, what’s up with you?”

Ladies, you’re bound to get a few of those, but hopefully they’re scattered among some other interesting emails. If not, hit me up!  Out of respect for the young lass, I will not share too many of the edits I made to her profile, but i can tell you it  included amazing lines such as:

-I have killer equestrianism skills which will come in handy if we ever go back in time, or if all the cars suddenly stop working like on that TV show Revolution.

-I’ve had a laid back attitude even before Jay-Z told me that ladies are, in fact, pimps too, and that I should go and brush my shoulders off.

-I have engaged a bear in fisticuffs, and seen The Perfect Storm 37 times (the ACTUAL storm, not the Wahlberg movie).

-But, next thing you know I’ve defeated you and absorbed all of your powers. There can be only one!

Needless to say, she had like 7 messages by lunchtime, though oddly, none of them mentioned the Highlander.  I’m doing this pro bono for now while I perfect the craft, so hit me up now while you can.  I can write for dudes too. Hey, it got me a fiance, and I’m an asshole! Just imagine what it can do for nice people like you!

Have you tried online dating? Was it a success or a failure? Did dudes text you dick pictures after the first date? Answer my questions as you await my next (food-related) post.  Also, since this blog is now open to everything, tell me what you want to read about that is not cheese-centric.


About Ziggy Smallz

I rarely commit to anything, especially blogging. That is, except eating. I like to constantly taste new things. Whether it's a Bangkok back alley soup stand, or some weird veggie I pickled myself, I want to eat it. Except eggplant, because I'm strangely allergic to it.
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4 Responses to Where the shit have I been?! or How I’m currently unemployed so lets do this!

  1. Roz says:

    Glad you are keeping busy!

  2. superstatz says:

    This has now become the hottest blog on the Internet

  3. rossmurray1 says:

    I laughed awkwardly in front of the computer at “Perfect Storm.” This makes me your new best friend. And hetero stalker.

  4. Ziggy Smallz says:

    Update: The gal I wrote the profile for had to switch it off because she got a huge amount of responses and also found a super dude like 2 days after she posted it. I have written another profile for another lady friend, but have yet to be updated on that one. @Ross, the actual movie was not funny. It was a heartbreaking masterpiece from director Wolfgang Petersen (whose credits include Das Boot, The Neverending Story, Enemy Mine, Troy, and Poseidon. Actually his movies keep getting worse. Stay away.).

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