Not one to miss an opportunity to get stranded in a Frankenstorm during Halloween weekend (and hopefully lose power so I’ll have to eat and drink everything in the fridge at once so it doesn’t go bad), I decided to head to New York this weekend to get drunk and piss in the glass eye of Hurricane Sandy.
More than three quarters of the way through Connecticut, all out of snacks and having to pee, I pulled off the highway and into the parking lot of the supermarket mecca known as Stew Leonard’s Farm Fresh Foods.
If you’ve never been privy to visit a Stew Leonard’s, let me explain. Dubbed “The Disneyland of Dairy Stores” by the New York Times and “The World’s Largest Dairy” by Ripley’s Believe It or Not!, it generates the same feelings of immense joy and hatred I normally reserve for IKEA. In fact, imagine if IKEA got all drunk and ended up in a 3-way with Trader Joe’s and a farmers market. Then that mutant offspring grew up in a giant labyrinthian barn full of animatronic milk cartons and tri-state area yuppies.
Fresh baked bread, a great cheese selection, and sampling like they muthafuckin’ Costco – hellz yeah! A parking lot full of German automobiles and slow-ass old folks with giant shopping carts clogging the ONE aisle, which has the same layout as the corn maze at your local pumpkin patch – Boo!
However, when it comes right down to it, my love of food, just like my love of sleek and modern yet cheap build-it-yourself Swedish furniture, always wins. Also, they had lobsters on sale for $3.99/lb. And isn’t that what the NEW American dream is all about? Steady jobs and home ownership is now out of the picture for most people, but a close second is definitely shoving your face full of AFFORDABLE sea-bugs slathered in warm melted butter, that your parents paid for. And you know what? I’ll take it!
What did your parents buy you for dinner? How are you decorating their basement, now that you live there? Did you notice the amount of hyphens I used in this post? It’s definitely a record and more hyphens than I’ve even used in anything else I’ve written… ever! To celebrate, let’s have a contest! Whoever submits the best caption in the comments section for the milk carton band photo above (known as The Farm Fresh Five to Stew-heads) wins a prize of my choosing! Rules: you must submit your entry by November 4, 2012, and there must be at least 10 entries from 10 separate people (but you can enter as many times as you wish!). Now, go crazy America and Israel (because according to my blog stats, those are the only 2 countries reading.)