So it’s been a few weeks since my last post, and I imagine you’ve all been waiting on this shit like it was Chinese Democracy (incidentally, just like Axl, I too got a fucked up haircut. Why either of us thought we could rock cornrows is beyond me).
Also, after rereading this post, I realize it contains a few drug references. But Thanksgiving is easily comparable to smoking pot in high school. You spend a few hours with your close social circle, plus a few extra weirdos tossed in, and you do things you know are bad for you. However, Thanksgiving just cuts the tweeds out altogether and goes right into shoving weird combinations of food in your facehole.
After spending almost every day/week/last 3 months leading up to the holiday by myself in my kitchen, all the social interaction on Thanksgiving nearly broke my brain. There were so many people to talk to, and I was able to drink so many beers without seeming like a lonely alcoholic, that I just went into overload. I couldn’t shut up! It was like I was on some 1980’s Wall Street coke binge.
During my fat-Oprah sized gabfest, I was able to convince a few folks to help me keep a Scottsdale tradition alive and do a turkey shot with me. For the uninitiated, a turkey shot is a shot of turkey juice (i.e the drippings from the bottom of the pan after the turkey is finished roasting) either straight or mixed with some vodka. Here’s a picture of one of the 3 shots I gulped down this year:
I realize this probably sounds disgusting to you. It may even look disgusting. But I promise you it’s absolutely delicious! It tastes like the best soup ever! Before you scoff, try it. If you need convincing, call me over and I’ll guilt you into it. You’ll thank me. Did any of my desert-dwelling brethren keep the spirit alive this year as well? Hit me up in the comments and tell me how much you miss me and my gold thong!
After dinner, the extended family sat down to ridiculously inappropriate game of Cards Against Humanity. Have you played this yet? It’s like Apples to Apples, but for a frat house.
After cackling for 2 hours straight like a hyena on poppers, I realized that a tasteless sense of humor is completely genetic. This would explain why there are entire families that frown on poop jokes, or worse yet, they just never even get why it’s funny! Imagine going through your whole life not knowing how hilarious a perfectly timed fart or a pun about a pedophile scoutmaster can be?!
Then everyone went to sleep wondering when the gray-haired Wiccan (the pagan, not the Ewok) dude with a ponytail who brought over the honeymead was going to leave. He was still on the couch. Where did he even come from!
How was your Thanksgiving holiday? Was there any awkward moments with a druncles? Did you enjoy watching the American football games? Did your team win? Did your dinner contain any traditional items from the very first thanksgiving, like maize or smallpox blankets? Do you have any fun Thanksgiving traditions? What are they? Do they include traditional hats made from construction paper? Will you be eating pumpkin pie at any other time this year? What is your favorite way to prepare Thanksgiving leftovers? Why is there never enough mashed potatoes left over? Does your dad dislike beets as much as mine does?