What happens in Atlantic City ends up here for my mom to read.

Breaking news in the “places I never really wanted to go” category- I recently celebrated my first trip to Atlantic City… with a really awful hangover caused by $4 Hurricanes.

Nothing this color will ever make you feel OK.

Nothing this color will ever make you feel OK.

Hold up a sec-I know what you’re thinking!  “What are a bunch of sexy and stylish straight dudes doing drinking froo-froo cocktails in AC in the dead of winter?!”  I’ve got one word for you: Bachelorparty!  That’s right! These conveniently priced concoctions in a souvenir glass were enjoyed post crown-royal-shots-and-beers-in-the-room, but pre-steakhouse-dinner-and-casino-cover-band.  So basically, the price was right while the night was young and we were still on the way up.  At 5 AM the next morning, on the way back down , the Hurricanes picked up some cows and local vegetation and deposited them all in the toilet.

My hangover was ALMOST as bad as this movie.

Now, I don’t gamble, and I hate Vegas, but I was still excited to get drunk and rowdy and mingle with the GTL set that I assumed infiltrated Atlantic City every weekend.  While I was correct about Jersey Beach clientele, I did not realize that AC is just a sadder, lonelier version of Las Vegas.  No worries though!  I still had delusions of grandeur about coming at this weekend head on,  like I was John McClane making my way through Nakatomi Plaza, using $100 chips to slap the glitter off strippers while someone played Standing on Top of the World by Van Halen at full volume.

This did not happen.  But if it did, at least we were prepared.

This is the ACTUAL contents of the  briefcase that the bachelor brought with him.

This is the ACTUAL contents of the briefcase that the bachelor brought with him.  And yes, the wire transfer codes and Belarus shipping container numbers are on the SAME disc!  Good thing it didn’t fall into the wrong hands.

We did enjoy a delicious hamburger, a casino cover band, a girl vomiting in her hand (to protect her new shoes maybe?), too many sequined dresses, fake tans, and ugly personalities, some football, a bar where every bartender looked like a shitty Richard Jenkins impersonator, and a foggy view of the Atlantic.

One more Hurricane, and I was going to marry this girl.

As the weekend came to a close, I stopped in NYC to recoup some of the culture I had lost. First I went and saw a good friend of mine from LA perform with her dance company at a good old-fashioned Modern Dance roundup.  The last performance of the evening even included boobs!  If you’re keeping score, that is 6 more breasts than I saw in Atlantic City.  After that, I met with another friend at a Chelsea gallery and saw a Daniel Buren exhibition.  Buren, is a French abstract minimalist, who works mainly with stripes.  I think much of his work looks like the canvas awnings outside of Cannes boutiques, circa 1960’s.  But these awnings hang on the wall and cost $120,000.  You win, Buren.

I would pay $150,000 for the one on the left if it didn’t clash so much with my IKEA furniture.

Have you been to Atlantic City?  What did you think of it?  Was there a briefcase involved? What places are on your “not going out of my way to visit” list?  Do you gamble?  Do you win often?  What color alcoholic drinks do you stay away from the most?  Could you be swayed to drink them if they were really cheap?  And they included a souvenir glass?  How do you absorb culture after a weekend of binge drinking?  Do you even consider yourself cultured to begin with?


About Ziggy Smallz

I rarely commit to anything, especially blogging. That is, except eating. I like to constantly taste new things. Whether it's a Bangkok back alley soup stand, or some weird veggie I pickled myself, I want to eat it. Except eggplant, because I'm strangely allergic to it.
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3 Responses to What happens in Atlantic City ends up here for my mom to read.

  1. rossmurray1 says:

    I binge drink after a weekend of culture.

  2. Fix Goldfarb says:

    And yes, I did read this and thought it to be pretty funny!

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